[Byrd]

I have been in a relationship with a girl for about 6 months. I really care for her but she has 2 kids and I have one. Her daugter which is 7 is great , her little boy that is 4 is a pain in the a#*. I just got divorce 2 years ago and we have talked marriage. My son loves her. The only problem I have is her son. He doesn't mind her, talks back to her and I tell him if he was my son his bottom would be sore. She lets him get away with so much it pisses me off. I really love her but I don't want to spend the rest of my life with such a little brat. Sorry but just had to vent a little. I quit drinking in November and he is about to push me back LOL. I have tried to be his friend and it works for about 15 minutes then he is back doing something he shouldn't be doing. I have never had this problem with my son which is 9 years old. How can I tell her that I love her but cannot take being around your son? When he is not around things are great, as soon as he shows up I start getting stressed out. HELP

 

[Ðe§perado™]

The best way to go is to talk to her about how you feel about the son. If she understands and tries to fix it. She loves you and if she bails....look at all the money you just saved. I don't mean to sound mean, but why have the hassles going into a marriage?

 

[Maumeemoon]

Sounds like SMS- Single Mother Syndrome- Since all she has (or has had for awhile anyway) is the kids, maybe she has tried to become a better friend to her kids than being a mother. Women typically are more fogiving. I had a buddy in a similar situation. He told her politely how he felt, and helped her realize that without proper guidance and discipline her children would be even more intolerable as the grew up- going from brats to punks. After a few converations on this she started to tighten up with the kids and although they didn't get married until two years after this, the kids did shape up, because she was persistant (once she saw the benefits and had support from another adult for her actions) because her actions and allowances/disallowances became the norm. Everyone is different and every situation is different, but for my buddy it worked- alot of patience and persistance helped those kids become much, much better and strenghtened their realtionship as well, because from what I understand it was not easy in the least bit. They drew their strength from each other as a commitment to make the kids better. Good Luck

 

[Byrd]

Hey guys, thanks. I will have a talk with her but if it doesn't start soon, I am done. With my son I can give him a look and he knows to stop what he is doing. Maybe I lucked out and got the greatest son in the world, No maybe's about it I did. Some of you guys will get to meet him this year at some of the 3-d shoots.

 

[Ðe§perado™]

I'm looking forward to meeting you and your son and you to meet my great son. It seems my son does know the differents from right and wrong and where the line is. Just some kids need to be shown that line and what happens if you cross it. Good Luck to you and whatever you do.

 

[lureboy98]

I don't have anything to add, but I hope everything works out for you for the best.

 

[jeffmo]

seems like a real tough situation.
remember that at his age he's probably going through a tough time with his parents being divorced.he might just be mad at the world right now because to him,things might not be the way he thinks they should be.is his father involved with him at all? if not,he probably has good reason to be mad about it.
keep at it.remember he's young and not as smart as you.
try just you and him doing some things together that he likes.
if you keep letting him know that you want to be his buddy he'll probably come around in time.
let mom know that if she doesn't make him behave now that she'll end up with more problems with him in the future.
i hope things work out for you and him.

 

[george tinkham]

hes only 4,give it i try.youre older and much slicker.

 

[Byrd]

I have tried. I have done things with just him and I and its fine and then when he get back around his mom it starts all over. When she is not around he's not as bad. I have rules in my house that my son knows he can't do, her boy knows them too and he still does them and then he will turn and look at me and smile. She has started to correct him but she has him so spoiled that it just drives me nuts. You guys are right about his dad, not around much. Heck I just bought him his first baseball glove and bat for his birthday and also he just turned 5. Maybe this summer the fishing and sports will settle him down but as for not he makes it very hard. Thanks for the support guys

 

[Dave_E]

He's only 4

I can understand what you're saying. Explain to her that you'll work on improving your patience with her help, and she should work on CONSISTANT and fair methods of discipline for the boy with your help. That boy needs stability before he can live up to what's expected of him.

Don't get married until you're sure that your patience exceeds the boys willfulness.

 

[Beau Martin]

I know just what you are going through. I had a problem with the ladys daughter I was engaged to. In fact when we started it was grate. but as it progressed it got worse. She was 8 when we started and 12 when we parted. If marrage is what you want I would say have the talk with her and give it some time,that way if things work out then all the better for you and yours. If it don't well the only thing you are out is the time spent, and who knows maybe the outdoors is just what the kid needs. I wish u the best of luck and hope things turn out for the better.

 

[Mal]

Man this is a touchy subject, but I just had to respond. I was a single father, my ex left me and our daughter when she was 3 and a half months old. She was in and out of her life from 6months to 6 years old. Just enough to really f888 things up for the poor kid. She drank heavily when she was pregnant, and our daughter developed a seizure disorder also. Well I married the most wonderful woman in the world when my daughter was 6 years old, suddenly my ex wants to be a mother, and is actually making attempts to be a mother. The dilema was my ex was really pissed that I was happy, and was doing her best to wreck our lives. to say the least I dealt with the crap for 5 more years, and in May of 2001 she went to live with mommy dearest. The split was not good, and I have not even hear from her since Nov of 2001. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, or say a prayer for her. My wife's life and Mine were made misserable buy my ex and daughter, and I'd hate to see this happen to anyone else. You didn't say if the little boys father is in the picture. if he is you may want to find out if he has any control of the little guy. I'm not saying you have to be friends with him, just remember marriage is supposed to be for life, and it can be a really rotten time when the step kids are making it hell at home.

 

[pawclaws]

Byrd; maybe some of what I have to tell you is going to tick you off. Guess what, it doesn't matter because I'm not trying to; just want you to understand what is going on here. You have a tremendous number of interactive and group dynamics going on here. Magic solutions simply don't exist. First of all, you want to be the boss and the kid ain't buying it. That upsets you because you are not used to this kind of reaction based on your relationship with your son. Get over it. You didn't raise her kid. Neither of them is accustomed to your particular set of normal values and it will take time to learn them. Don't put her in a position where she is forced to choose between you and her son because eventually and inevitably you will lose. Now, it also sounds to me like you are probably just a bit on the overkill side with your own boy. Lighten up! Man you are the adult; act like it.
You also have your own son now competing for your attention which you are intentionally diverting to her son. Not smart my friend. To get attention kids will do whatever it takes. Good or bad, positive or negative, they don't care as long as they get the recognition they are seeking. You my man would be a whole bunch better off by ignoring her son's attempts at aggravating you and let her manage him. It really is none of your business how she does it whether you agree with it or not. Bottom line is if it really does bother you to such an extreme, step off and let her find someone who can tolerate and understand her kids to have a relationship with. Time is short my friend. No use in the two of you wasting your lives being miserable with each other when you may be happy with sosmeone else. Here is a tip for you. Find someone who has no kids.

 

[Byrd]

Pawclaws, the day I let a 5 year old tell me what to do in my house will not happen. I am not putting her in no situation, I cannot handle her son disobeying her and treating her badly. Do you respect your mother? I do and my dad would not tollerate me treating my mother that way. And how do you get I am overkill with my son? Do you have kids? I thought it was the parents responcibility to teach their kids how to act and get by in life, to teach them the best way,and if her son has no respect for her he definitly isn't going to have it for anyone else. Maybe its her son being spoiled and is taking you back to your childhood. It seems you are the only one that has responded like this. And if she can't figure out my house my rules and doesn't like it, I am not holding her back.

 

[pawclaws]

Exactly my point Byrd. How do you think I knew it would tick you off? Cause it is obvious to me that you don't want to hear anything except total agreement with your opinion. Been there done that, lost my wife, and my kids, and didn't even get the "T" shirt! And you my friend are headed down the same "hard head" path. In my 54 years I have learned that there is virtually only one thing in this world that I can change, and that thing is me. Try changing somebody else.
Good luck,.

 

[Byrd]

Pawclaw, Got me. I see what you are saying but its tough to let a little boy get away with the stuff he does. Its really tougher on my son and her daughter because they know not to do it and they get corrected and he does it and nothing happens. When they ask why he is aloud to do it, what do you tell them? He is aloud because he's so young and I have to change and now its alright for you to do it. I don't think so. No hard feelings Pawclaw

 

[pawclaws]

No you tell the other kids, and I assume they are a bit older than the problem child; "He isn't getting away with anything. He is just acting like a baby, wants attention, and what I'm doing is just ignoring him and I will keep on ignoring him as long as he acts like a baby." Then ask the kids if they can help make him behave himself or if maybe they have any suggestions that will help. That will earn you serious points with "all" the kids and Mom as well. And guess what; your blood pressure will drop by 10 points! Later on "after" you have established your rightful authority you can set rules and consequences for breaking the rules; but, not until you gain this youngster's respect. Again; good luck.

 

[bucktail]

man, where's that dang Dr. Phil when you need him or that guy with the Father Ted head....

 

[bob oh]

Byrd, make sure you know the entire situation. I saw this with a niece and it turned out the kid was playing my niece against her ex husband -- you know -- "give me what I want or I'll go live with daddy!!!!!!" I agree with paw, you can't just come into a 5 year olds life and expect him to respect you. Remember what your dad told you, you don "get" respect, you "earn" it!!! Talk to the mom but don't give her a choose him or me deal, find out where she' s coming from and agree to meet her halfway there... I'm an old guy so I don' t have any recent experience but I watch other people a lot

 

[pawclaws]

Status Check!

Hey Byrd, how is it working out? Just wanted to pop in and wish you boys and girls a very Merry Christmas and invite you all over to my house at www.ohiocampcooks.org!